Just a quick note about my hips!

My Hips are utter CRAP! i'm really struggling to walk :'( i'm not looking forward to work on Monday, i'm going to struggle big time. I think i might have to go to the doctors again :( i'm sick of my joints packing in one at a time.

That's all, i'm going to crawl to my bed now and take a full dose of amitryptaline!

night folks! xx

Fed Up!

Fed up is the only way to describe my mood right now. I am fed up of being in pain, i'm fed up of not being able to do stuff i want to do and i'm just fed up of life in general :(

My "best friend" Nick went to see Muse in London last weekend, which made me feel rubbish. It just got me thinking about what i'd experience if i went to a gig. I wouldn't be able to do it. I'd love to go to some gigs and festivals, but it is impossible. I'd dislocate something.... I'd hurt myself right at the start of the gig and it ruin the whole night. I'd probably have to leave. And i couldn't even get a sitting down tickets cos i can't bloody sit down! hummmph.

Why did i put "best friend" i hear you ask. Short answer he is being a twat recently. I can say this cos he doesn't read my blog. and why would he, he has much better things to do than actually take an interest in what i am going through. Yes he know's whats wrong with me, and he claims to understand. But does he balls. he seem's to think i can still do all this stuff with him. He does not get that i cannot go out to night clubs, and i can't go round to his friends house because i can't sit on his sofa, and within an hour i'll be in loads of pain, extremely tired and just want to go home. But still we have the same argument "But i invite you out all the time so don't say i don't think about you". I don't know what i want from him, I just need someone who wants to come to my house once and a while and just sit with me watching a film or playing a game if my hands are being nice to me. Because that is the only thing i can do. I understand he wants to spend time with his friends and do stuff that people our age should do. He says he is still my best friend, but i'm just not feeling it.

On a better note, i'd like to say thank you to Emma Argyle. She really know's how to cheer a girl up. I got a package in the post, which is no surprise as i am an eBay addict. When i opened it there was 3 bags of sweets inside ??? i was well confused! i didn't remember buying sweets! lol at the bottom was a letter from Emma saying she hoped it cheered me up. Well it did, greatly :D Love ya Ms Royd.

Finally i have another D to add to my last blog!

DRAGON!

Everyone say hello to Miss Charlotte Darwin, my Bearded Dragon. She is 15weeks old, 8inches long (head to tail) and she is very beautiful!!


Anyway, that's all for tonight cos my fingers are too cold to write anymore.

Thanks guys x

Doctors, Disability and Dolls :)

Hi all. Today has been fun! I'll start with my title.

Doctors

I had 2 doctors appointments today, whoop fun time!!! I had to have my contraceptive implant taken out and a new one put in. The implant is in my arm, just under the skin. She used a local anaesthetic and numbed the area, and then made a small cut with a scalpel and just slid it out. She then used the same little cut and just inserted the new one. It didn't really hurt, just felt a small nick. :)

Then i asked about my records, but she didn't have time, but she had another appointment in a few hours so i went to Brighouse, did a little shopping (bought NOTHING!) and then went back to the doctors. I needed to know the specialist i have seen regarding my hypermobility in the last year. Whilst sat there i saw a little that came with my MRI scan results and it said, "buldging discs (i knew that) and scoliosis" WHAT!!! SCOLIOSIS!!! No body has said a word to me about this!! I'd of thought that someone would have told me if i had an S shape spine!!! But for some reason it didn't click whilst i was in there that that's what i read so i didn't ask about it. So i am going to get hold of my records and have a good look to make sure.

So next is Disability

I have spent the remainder of my day filling in the bloody Disability allowance forms! OMG! it's bloody difficult that lol! That is why i needed my records as you have to tell them all the people you have seen for your disabilities. I am applying for disability in the hope to get help with walking. I am really struggling to walk far and i need to cling on to Nick most of the time. I do not need or actually want money, and i will not give up my job, but if you don't apply you don't get anything so it's worth it just in case they give me a blue badge for parking as that would make my life much easier. There is also a chance my Mum will be able to claim for carers allowance as she has to drive me lots of places cos i can't walk, and i am a little useless around the house. I can't do much house work or cooking as i just hurt every thing :(

And finally my third subject is Doll's

Those of you who know me, know i love tattoo's and have quite a few :). Now, i have thougt of this idea before and it just went in the pile of other past tattoo idea's. I want a Rag Doll tattoo!! Why you say? Because i bloody feel like one that's why! LoL. I feel like my body is falling apart, but a Rag Doll just stitches itself back together and carries on with it. And even though it's just a Doll it's kind of inspired me. My body can fall apart on all it wants, and you know what! I am sick of being down, i am sick of thinking about what a painfree day would feel like, I just want to stitch myself up and get on with my life as well as i can with my condidtion.
So yes... i want a Rag Doll tattoo, and i want it big! i am going to get it on the back of my calf i think. :D so i better get designing and saving :D

So there we have it, that's my what i have done today :D

Enjoy the rest of your day folks, Choi!

Sam x

I HAVE A STUPID JAW!

The title says it all! My jaw is stupid. It feels like i have been punched in the side of the face! only i haven't had the satisfaction of punching someone back after they have punched me in the side of the face. Humph. I can't chew anything :( :(

The only way i can slightly ease this pain is to eat lots and lots and LOTS of ice cream. Obviously it is for medical reasons so i give myself permission to each ice cream for breakfast, elevensies, dinner, brunch, tea, supper and also as a snack :)

Camp Quest UK!

Hiii guys :)

I am well excited!! I thought about going on Camp America this year, and Mike Morgan said NOOOOOO! they are bible bashers! look at this camp. It was then that Mr Morgan introduced me to Camp Quest.

http://www.camp-quest.org.uk/

Camp Quest is an alternative to Christian camps. It teaches kids critical thinking. So anyway, i messaged Camp Quest offering my services, but unfortunately they were full of volunteers and didn't need anyone else. So anyway, i haven't really thought much about them until i get an email from the co-director of Camp Quest UK asking if i was still interested in helping out. I was like YEEEEEAH! well... cut a long story short.... I am now planning and setting up my very own Camp Quest here up North! How very terrifying is THAT! lol

So basically, there are already 3 CQ's, but they are all down south, and they have had quite a few requests for one up North. Stupidly they have come to me! :D

So i have spent today ringing around camp sites trying to find a place that may be willing to have us. I've found one place, i am just totting up prices now. So yeah! i am really really excited! If i manage this it will be AAAAWESOME! Hopefully i have a few friends interested, Hanna and hopefully Mike Morgan (anything is possible with Mr Morgan on your team!!) My sister is very clued up on camping and outdoor activities, so i have roped her into it. If there are anyone reading this that thinks you may be interested, check out the website, and contact me somehow! I am sure i will need more volunteers down the line!

I am really glad something like this has come up. As i said in my last blog i have started to get really down at the moment and my relationships with people are deteriorating. So this gives me something to take my mind off everything and really focus on something. This has actually given me something that makes my life feel less pointless and that has made me really happy :)

As for outdoor activities :/ i may have to stand and shout encouragements! lol


So yeah! check out the CQ website, and watch this space for a CQ coming to a campsite near you! (only if you live in the North of England though!) lol

Long time no blog!

Heeey, It's been over a month since i last posted!! :O shocking, i am ashamed of myself lol

I was so busy with all my retake exams and stuff i just didn't get chance, and the after them i have just been soooo very tired after work i haven't had the energy to write a blog.

But i'm back now! it's school holidaaays! That has got to be the most awesome thing eeeever about working in a school :)

So lets start bloggy blogging the last month!

Firstly!!! You may now call me Samantha Jane Brook BSc!! :D Ok i only got a third class degree, but tbh, considering how much i have struggled this year i am happy and surprised i actually passed! I am so relieved i have finished!! it's ooover, the torture that is a biology degree is ooooooooooover! *Victory Dance*

Secondly i have an iPhone 4! sooooo preeeetty!! but i won't go on about them, you all know what they do, if you don't then where on earth are you living?

So thirdly? Thirdly... is that right? well whatever... Thirdly, how have my joints been? Honestly they have been S**t... I am really starting to struggle with walking :( I can walk on my own, pretty well for about 10mins, then i am in so much discomfort, i start limping cos one or both of my hips are extremely painful, my sacroiliacs (where your spine meets your pelvis) start throbbing and my knee's give in. Luckily most of the time i am walking i am with my Best Friend Nick, and he is like my personal zimmer frame :)
I am struggling with siting down too, keep getting cramp in my hips, and shooting pains down my legs. I can barely sit through a whole film at the cinema (i spend most of my time at the cinema). Most of the time i have to get up and go for a walk, I tell Nick i need to pee, cos if i told him how much pain i am in he'd be making me leave. If i manage to sit through the film then when i stand up at the end everything is so stiff that i can't walk properly :( And i have noticed that wearing Skinny jeans makes this worse.

As for work, i coped... just. I have to go to the gym at the weekends, otherwise i will put weight on, and everything will get worse, but going to the gym at the weekend doesn't allow my joints and muscles to repair over the weekend, so come Monday i am still hurting, so i start the week in pain, and whilst working the pain will only get worse... So by Friday i am struggling to work. But i put on a brave face and push through it. They sort of know whats wrong with me at work, and the other technician is supportive, he doesn't let me do anything that is likely to hurt me. But the one thing i can not deal with concerning this condition is being told i cannot do things that a normal 21 year old should be able to do. :(

Fourthly? Depression. Nick told me the other day that he thinks i am depressed. Apparently the depressed one usually can't tell that they are depressed, and it's always the ones close by that notice the changes. I didn't think i was depressed, and still don't to a certain extent. But the things he said have made me think. He said i never seem to be happy anymore, and that i never go out. Which is true, i don't go out, because all my friends just go night clubbing, which i can't do, if they aren't night clubbing then they round some one's house drinking, which i can't do. Being the only sober person in a house full of extremely drunk people is not my idea of a fun night out. I physically can't do anything else, i am so tired all the time that i just want to go home and go to bed, and he doesn't seem to understand that, he expects me to be social and spend time with him. It does get me down that i can't go out, i can't spend time with my friends, and i can't just be a normal 21 year old. But depression? I don't know the difference really....

Anyway, I'll leave it there for now, I am on summer hols for 5weeks now, so i will try to blog more often!

Thanks for reading.

Sam xx

Mr 'Shoulder expert'

Today has been a rather CRAP day.

I have been waiting for an appointment with orthopaedics for months, and i eventually got one for today. So i got to the hospital at 9am ready for my appointment at 9.05. I got seen at 9.30. So, i explained to the so called 'shoulder expert' that i was experience pain like i have not experienced before. The pain in my shoulder gets almost unbearable, so unbearable i just curl up and cry, so unbearable it's impossible to move my arm.

So Mr 'shoulder expert' wiggled my arm a bit, whilst i constantly said "ow, ow, ow, that really hurts" all he said was "just a little bit more". NO MR SHOULDER EXPERT! No more its bleeding hurts!! so after making my shoulder pain much worse than it was already he sat me down and explained to be that they can't operate, because 99% of operations fail and i'll be straight back within the year with probably more problems. Ok, fair enough, i understand that. i asked what was causing the pain, and he couldn't give me any answers, it might be this, it might be that, who know... Well i would sure as hell like to know, and as a 'shoulder expert' i am pretty sure it's his job to find out what is wrong. But no, Mr 'shoulder expert told me and i quote "just deal with it, carry on taking your pain killers and we'll get you to a physio".

Firstly i have seen a bloody shoulder physio, i know what exercises i need to do, i just can't bloody do them with my left arm because i can't lift it above my head. Secondly, he wants me to attend Halifax Hospital once a week for 12 - 24 weeks! wtf, i work full time, in Bradford, i can't be taking a morning off every week for 12 weeks! So i said it would be a lot easier for me if i went to St Luke's hospital because i work right next to it, so i can make appointment that fit in with my dinner and just wander over and then back to work. But no, he wants me to see his 'shoulder expert' physio friend in Halifax.Well tuff, cos i can't do that.

So all in all, it took him 2minutes to damage my arm, and tell me to deal with it and go away. he made no attempt to diagnose my pain, however much i stressed how painful it was, and he even questioned the fact i even had hypermobility. I left feeling like a fraud, he made me question whether i actually was a hypochondriac and it was all in my head. He seemed to talk to me like he didn't believe me. So now i am stuck in a sling because he pushed it around too much making my neck and shoulder extremely sore and i have a referral to a yet another physio that will tell be to the exact same exercises that i do every day anyway but find really hard because of a pain he doesn't believe is there.

I was so upset when i came out of there, i nearly cried, luckily Nick was there, and i don't like crying in company so i didn't lol. I am just so frustrated, if it's not my shoulder it's some other joint, and i go to the doctors, i tell them how much pain i am, how much i am struggling to do normal things a 21 year old should be able to do. All the doctor does is tries to give me painkillers, i say i am allergic to them, so they tell me i just have to deal with it. Then they refer me to some apparent specialist, who tell me there is nothing they can do, and refers me to a physio, who gives me the exact same exercises the last physio gave me.

I'm being passed around doctors like a bag of sweets no one likes... like when a box of miniature hero's with only the picnics left... they look at it, turn their nose up and passes along.

Then after my fun morning at the hospital, i went to work. One possitive to having an arm in a sling is that no one would let me do any work, there was always someone there refusing to let me carry anything. Someone even offered to tie my shoe lace for me. So work today was pretty un eventful, i just sat there watching someone carry my stuff around for me. Andrew let me roll some steel wool into walnut sized balls, and then i got a little pyro-happy and started setting fire to steel wool :) tis very fun!

then on the bus home! grrr, here's another rant on it's own! i waited 35mins for a bus that apparently comes every 10mins. When i got on it, it was packed, so i had to stand up. Now usually i don't mind standing up. But the bus was driving by someone who thought he was a rally driver, i have one arm in a sling and i'm trying to hold a heavy bag and hold on my for my life with the other. I couldn't put my bag down cos there was so many people stood up there was nowhere to put it, and some twat kept knocking into my bad shoulder. Some women looked like she was going to kill me cos i knocked her with my bag whilst nearly falling flat on my face cos the bus driver decided to practise emergency breaking. It was clear i was really struggling, and i've hurt my other shoulder now from being jerked around a bus. The one and only person who offered to let me sit down was a 70year old Asian man with one foot in a cast and on crutched! well of course i wasn't taking his seat! so i said no i am fine. Then the person sat in front of him got up and left, and a mid 20's sort of guy was stood facing me the whole time, watching me struggle, went to sit on the empty seat. The asian guy bless him, stuck his arm out so the guy couldn't sit down, and said "No, let the young lady sit down!". AAAW! i've had such a rubbish day that even that nearly made me cry! There is no way i would sit there and watch struggle like i was struggling today! I hate the human species, 90% of people out there are self obsessed, arrogant and have absolutely no empathy for other human beings.

Thankfully Daddy picked me up from the village, so i didn't have to walk that mile home from the bus, and my tea was ready for me too.

It's my little sisters 19th Birthday tomorrow, but she isn't going to be here, so i decorated the cake my mum had made. It was as good as i could get to a giant cupcake! lol when i figure out how to load pictures on here i'll load one up! Then we pretended we needed her downstairs and lit the candles :) she seemed happy! Then i ate a bit and now feel really sick, it was filled with chocolate, covered in buttercream and piled high with all sorts of sweets! blaaaah. I also got her a Birthday card from my hamster, because i don't do cards, but i found one with a spitting image of my hamster peach on, so i got it :) i might even try get peach to sign it :) i have ink around here somewhere lol!

Sorry this has been a long rant about my suckish day. I am really angry about how these doctors are treating me. I've seen so many specialists, and everyone leaves me with more questions then i started with and the feeling that no one is going to do a thing for me. Every time i see a doctor, it just reminds me that i am 21, i shouldn't get pain like i do, but there doesn't seem to be a doctor out there willing to help me. It's a massive reality check, i've been smacked in the face with this condition and the best advice all the specialist can give me is to just deal with it. Obviously non of them has ever felt pain like this before, i am damn sure they would change their attitudes towards us hypermobile folk if they had.

:( I should really go to sleep now, my hips and back are starting to hurt because i am sat down, and typing with one hand is taking me a very very long time! lol

G'night all xxx