Anti-depressants that make you depressed..

I went to the doctors today just to review my new doses of painkillers. I told him that its making me very tired, very weak and that my concentration is next to nothing... Then he asked if my depression was easing off. I shrugged and said i didn't know. I'm miserable, but depressed? I don't know... I've not been depressed before so i don't know if what i'm feeling is depression or just moody.

Anyway the next question was if i had had any suicidal thoughts. No? i've thought that i'd like to just be someone else for a day, i've thought that i'd like to go to sleep for a week. But suicide...? I wouldn't do that to my family and friends. My mum would somehow find a reason it was her fault and slowly kill herself with guilt. The doctor went on to say that with the new dose of amitryptaline, it can bring in depression and suicidal thought. ?????? They are suppose to be antidepressants!!! whats all that about? A drug that is suppose to stop you from killing yourself, makes you think you want to kill yourself... Great stuff... I do get any suicidal thoughts i have to lower my dose back down to 30mg.

Soooo, i've now put myself on suicide watch lol.

Choi for now :) x

Amitryptaline + wake up alarms = one groggy cow

Sooo... This morning was the first early morning on my new dose. It sucked. I felt very groggy, very tired and extremely dehydrated. I drank the extremely disgusting rehydrate powder stuff. Vile stuff! Eugh >.<

When I eventually got to work I started feeling better, but still not quite with it.

I took this evenings dose about an hour ago. Its done nothing for the pain, my shoulders are in agony, the muscles around my shoulder are really sore, when I try pushing them back into their normal position I get a very sharp deep pain :( in-between my shoulder blades and neck is very stiff.

I guess I should get some sleep.

G'night all. X

3 days and 27 pills later.

Sooo... I've now just taken my 3rd night of my new dose, and I don't feel too bad! I've been able to sleep in over the weekend, and wake up naturally, so I think that's helped massively with the grogginess. We'll see how I feel tomorrow with a 5:30 wake up call.

Pain wise, it's going well until about 6pm when the painkillers start to wear off. But then it's only 2 hours till the next dose so it's not too bad.

Symptoms, beside the slight grogginess, the last few days I have been extremely dehydrated. I can't stop drinking, and I actually think the more I drink the thirstier I get. I I've some hydration powder thingies, they tastes absolutely revolting, but I'll give them a go tomorrow.

Injury, I think whilst being so high on drugs, I have managed to injure my shoulder. I can't get my right shoulder into it's proper position where it's suppose to actually sit. My hand is numb, mum nipped my fingers and I couldn't feel it :( hopefully I get feeling back tomorrow otherwise I'll have to sling it up for work.

I'll write tomorrow ad let you know how the early morning is.

Night all, thanks for reading, Sam x

The day after the night before.

After I posted last nights post I started falling asleep. My heart was pounding, it wasn't beating fast as such, but just very hard and loud! I started feeling like I was shaking, but I wasn't shaking. And then sleep.... I woke up at about 8:30am this morning. I was dying to pee. So I stumbled out of bed. I managed to walk upstairs to the bathroom. I felt really spaced out. I came back down, put house on and went back to bed. Its 9:30 now, I have come round mostly but my heads still a little cloudy. My limbs feel really weak, my hips are very stiff. I'm extremely dehydrated, I can't stop drinking, which means I won't be able to stop peeing today. The pain in my hips hasn't really gone, but my shoulders are ok. It could take a few days for the effects to show so I'll just have persist and see what goes on.

Bye for now.
Sam x

Amitryptaline diary

Hi again. I am going to document over the next few days how I get on with my painkillers. I went to the doctors yesterday and ended up breaking down in tears and blubbering aloud of rubbish. Any how he ended up upping my Amitryptaline from 20mg to 50mg and I have to take 8 paracetamol a day.

Sooo... I've just taken my new dose 5mins ago... How do I feel? Rubbish... I feel very sick, my eyes are getting very heavy. My room is spinning, not a lot, things are just kinda floating around. If I stand up I get dizzy and light headed.

I'm going to end this now so I can post this before I pass out or something. I'll report back tomorrow and note down how I feel then. When I'm conscious enough to do so anyway.

Choi.

Just a quick note about my hips!

My Hips are utter CRAP! i'm really struggling to walk :'( i'm not looking forward to work on Monday, i'm going to struggle big time. I think i might have to go to the doctors again :( i'm sick of my joints packing in one at a time.

That's all, i'm going to crawl to my bed now and take a full dose of amitryptaline!

night folks! xx

Fed Up!

Fed up is the only way to describe my mood right now. I am fed up of being in pain, i'm fed up of not being able to do stuff i want to do and i'm just fed up of life in general :(

My "best friend" Nick went to see Muse in London last weekend, which made me feel rubbish. It just got me thinking about what i'd experience if i went to a gig. I wouldn't be able to do it. I'd love to go to some gigs and festivals, but it is impossible. I'd dislocate something.... I'd hurt myself right at the start of the gig and it ruin the whole night. I'd probably have to leave. And i couldn't even get a sitting down tickets cos i can't bloody sit down! hummmph.

Why did i put "best friend" i hear you ask. Short answer he is being a twat recently. I can say this cos he doesn't read my blog. and why would he, he has much better things to do than actually take an interest in what i am going through. Yes he know's whats wrong with me, and he claims to understand. But does he balls. he seem's to think i can still do all this stuff with him. He does not get that i cannot go out to night clubs, and i can't go round to his friends house because i can't sit on his sofa, and within an hour i'll be in loads of pain, extremely tired and just want to go home. But still we have the same argument "But i invite you out all the time so don't say i don't think about you". I don't know what i want from him, I just need someone who wants to come to my house once and a while and just sit with me watching a film or playing a game if my hands are being nice to me. Because that is the only thing i can do. I understand he wants to spend time with his friends and do stuff that people our age should do. He says he is still my best friend, but i'm just not feeling it.

On a better note, i'd like to say thank you to Emma Argyle. She really know's how to cheer a girl up. I got a package in the post, which is no surprise as i am an eBay addict. When i opened it there was 3 bags of sweets inside ??? i was well confused! i didn't remember buying sweets! lol at the bottom was a letter from Emma saying she hoped it cheered me up. Well it did, greatly :D Love ya Ms Royd.

Finally i have another D to add to my last blog!

DRAGON!

Everyone say hello to Miss Charlotte Darwin, my Bearded Dragon. She is 15weeks old, 8inches long (head to tail) and she is very beautiful!!


Anyway, that's all for tonight cos my fingers are too cold to write anymore.

Thanks guys x